I keep being dumped! What should I do?

M, a woman from Zambia writes:

I have a problem with keeping my relationships. I end up being dumped i dont know where i go wrong.  And currently the guy i love is seeing someone else–he told me so himself and told me to hang on. I really dont know what i should do Kris!  And this has been disturbing me, I cant concetrate in school.

 

Get self empowered

Hi, Thank you for sharing that with me! What I recommend in these situations are things that will support YOU by empowering YOU. If you are feeling strong and “full” (like your tanks are filled up), like you are whole and complete, then you will be much better able to handle other people’s issues.

Set your standards

So one of those things that I recommend is developing some standards for yourself so that you don’t get treated like a doormat. To do that it helps to figure out some of the things that you need from the other person in order to feel good about being in a relationship with them.

Do your homework

I made a worksheet that helps you to work this out for yourself. It’s free. Let me give you the link to download it. It sounds like it could really help you to get clear on what you want, what you’ll stand for and what you won’t stand for.

Here is the link: http://consciouscock.com/agreements/

Make some agreements

Most people get into relationships without making any agreements. Then when trouble happens, they don’t have any handles to hold on to. If you have agreements, then you can easily measure whether or not each of you is living up to your end of the agreement.

It makes it much easier for you to relax your mind and focus on your work!

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Kris Stone

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My Girlfriend is Hiding Our Relationship From Her Ex.

J, a Navy officer, asks:

So here’s the situation. I’ve been with this girl for a little over a year and a half. We’ve broken up a few times, but for the most part, it seems like we’re together for the long run.

So before her and I met, she hooked up with a guy named X. They stopped talking because he got into a relationship, which happened before her and I got serious.

About a month ago, he messages her this long essay on why he stopped talking to her and that he never wanted to hurt her yadda yadda yadda.

And they kept talking. So I asked her to not talk to him because it makes me uncomfortable. She continued. Today is the third time I told her to not talk to him. Immediately she turns it on me digging up old stuff. I figure out that it was more than just a one night stand and they had feelings for each other. And she’s going all “its my life, you can’t tell me who i can and can’t talk to.” Which I agree with, but I told her it hurts me that she would lie about him, not tell him we’ve been together for the last year and a half, and continue talking to him after I’ve asked her twice.

So I give her an ultimatum to either not talk to him, or we break up for good. So we’re in a big fight rn.

Did i overreact? Am I in the wrong here and I should just let this go? What should I do?

 

Ultimatums aren’t helpful

OK, thanks for sharing all that with me. I think I get the picture. Your ultimatum was probably not the best thing to do, but I understand what you were trying to achieve by it. I would recommend taking back the ultimatum and diving into a slightly different conversation with her about it. It’s FINE for you to have a boundary about your partner in regards to other people and past lovers. That’s totally fine. It’s also fine for her to talk to whoever she wants to talk to. Putting a restriction on her like a rule is indicative of ownership, and you don’t own her.

 

An empowering alternative

That said, a slightly different take is both empowering to you and honoring her sovereignty/freedom For example, you can set a boundary that is like an ultimatum, but slightly different.  For example you take an approach like this instead:

It makes me feel really bad if you talk to your past lover and don’t tell him honestly about our relationship status, and it makes me feel like I can’t trust you. So for me, I realized that I have a boundary. If we are going to be in relationship like we’ve been and you are going to continue to talk to your ex lover, I need you to tell him about our relationship and be honest with him about where we stand and who we are to each other. I don’t want to be possessive here to tell you who you can talk to. I’m sorry I did that. I shouldn’t have. I don’t own you, and I want you to be free to talk to whoever you want to ttalk to, including past lovers, but if you want to be with me, I need you to respect that I need your past lovers to know honestly about who you and I are to each other and that we’re in a relationship together. If you hide it or lie about it that makes me feel like you are ashamed of us and don’t want to be together, and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that.

 

It’s about being transparent and honest

It’s about being transparent about what is coming up for you and telling her where your line is, but without making it an ultimatum. i.e. you’ll be fine if she doesn’t want to meet your requriement about being honest about your relationship with her, but you’d like to stay together and have her respect you by telling him about you and her.

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Kris Stone

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Conscious Engagement

How to stack the deck in your favor for highest chance of getting what you really want out of a loving and sexual connection or relationship, whether the person is in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In this inclusive and sex-positive safe-container we will learn these three relational technologies while practicing overcoming shyness, shame & fear:

  1. What to cover with a current lover/partner or potential new lover/partner to make a strong, flexible & resilient relationship foundation that can handle life’s real challenges.
  2. How to have an empowering safer-sex talk before it’s too late.
  3. How to bring up your fantasies so that you have a chance at them becoming realities.

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All the best,
Kris Stone

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Recommitting: Making New & Renewing Old Agreements (with Ceremony)

We change over time as we age and continue to develop on our paths.  So do our partners. Agreements that we made at the beginning of our relationship need to be reviewed and renewed over time to make sure that our relationship supports our lives paths, and new agreements need to be made to address our increasing wisdom, insight, changes & experience.

In this class we will go through exercises to help each person in the relationship uncover what agreements they need/want in their relationship at this point in their life, and will hold a recommitment ceremony at some point afterwards* for anyone who wants to publicly recommit while in the sacred container.

*Note: This workshop would have two parts: 1) the 90 minute workshop, and 2) a ceremony in a nearby sacred space one to three days after the workshop–to allow the participants time to flush out their agreements before attending the ceremony that I would facilitate.  Since I’m an ordained minister, the ceremony could be legally binding as a legal marriage if desired.

Ready To Take Your Love-Life To The Next Level?

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All the best,
Kris Stone

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