I caught my girlfriend cheating on me!

J, a man from California writes:

I was with my first love for almost 2 years, and I caught her being shady on her phone and we split up.  A couple weeks later she lied to me and we got back together, but I knew something felt off so a few weeks later I found the proof in her phone, she had been messaging a guy from her childhood who lives halfway across the state.  She sent him naked pics, and they both sent masturbation videos to each other and she would say things like “you’re my soul” or “Apple of my eye”, and they talked on and off for at least half the relationship that I have proof of.  So I once again dumped her.  All I know is I know I deserve better but I just can’t get over her for some reason.. sorry for the long rant.. but I would like to know you’re opinion and or advice.

Two big issues

Hi again, OK, thanks again for sharing all that. Based on what you said, it appears to me that there are two big issues that you are dealing with, in terms of her behavior: 1) betrayal – in terms of your trust being betrayed when she hid things from y ou and lied to you, and 2) cheating – her giving her attention, time & energy to this other person.

In order to deal with things, it’s useful to make a distinction between those things, because they have different effects on you. Trying to dealwith them as if they are one single thing is more challenging and will likely be less successful.

How to get over her

So, you asked, how do you get over her also. First off, if you haven’t already, let yourself accept that she hurt you and let yourself grieve that. Humans need to have a period of time to grieve the loss of something that they love, and men are no exception. You loved her, and you left her because she was unhealthy for you, and you will need to accept that that hurts and let yourself feel that hurt and grieve it. It takes letting yourself feel all the suckiness and shitstorm of crap that comes up in your mind & heart & body as you feel the grief. Holding it at arms length just let’s it build up strength.

When you are finished grieving, you’ll know it. The day will just suddenly be clear and she’ll no longer have power over your mind or heart. You’ll be over her.

Finding the balance

There is a balance however, and that is not letting yourself get sucked into a black hole of despair. Let yourself feel the grief, but don’t let it dominate you. Balance. When she starts dominating your mind or heart, focus your attention on building yourself into a better person. Do the things that you love doing without her…things that didnt involve her. Build platonic relationships with other people and do new things that you’ve always wanted to do. Basically, go forward with your life. When you do something awesome that you like to do, it tricks your mind and heart, conning them into the joy of the present, and starving the toxic gravity of your old sweetheart.

It’s a skill you build

It’s a skill…the more you do it, the easier it gets, like playing guitar. It may be rough going at first, but as you choose yourself more often, and choose doing things that you like, you will come to like and value yourself more and care less and less about her. Eventually you’ll wake up one day and just be over her, and she won’t have any power over you any more.

Best of luck with everything, and thanks for asking for help! Most guys are too stuck up to do it, and they end up repeating toxic patterns over and over again and never getting anywhere!

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Kris Stone

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Conquer Small Talk With These Great Conversation Starters!

Ever found yourself stuck in traditional small talk with someone you just met while you really wanted to get to know them on a deeper level? Too often we just talk about the weather, what our work is, and where we are from — but those things don’t *really* teach us much that’s meaningful!

Here are five tried and true conversation starters that are both safe to use and extremely powerful at breaking through the small talk and getting into a conversation of real substance.

  • What are you really passionate about/interested in?
  • What has been the best part of your day/week so far?
  • What are you struggling with lately?
  • What are some things on your bucket list?
  • What are you really really good at?

 

These kinds of open ended questions give the person an opening to share something real with you so that you can really get to know something important and have a chance of “clicking” with each other.

Want more? Download a whole list of kickass conversation starters here:

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Kris Stone

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I keep being dumped! What should I do?

M, a woman from Zambia writes:

I have a problem with keeping my relationships. I end up being dumped i dont know where i go wrong.  And currently the guy i love is seeing someone else–he told me so himself and told me to hang on. I really dont know what i should do Kris!  And this has been disturbing me, I cant concetrate in school.

 

Get self empowered

Hi, Thank you for sharing that with me! What I recommend in these situations are things that will support YOU by empowering YOU. If you are feeling strong and “full” (like your tanks are filled up), like you are whole and complete, then you will be much better able to handle other people’s issues.

Set your standards

So one of those things that I recommend is developing some standards for yourself so that you don’t get treated like a doormat. To do that it helps to figure out some of the things that you need from the other person in order to feel good about being in a relationship with them.

Do your homework

I made a worksheet that helps you to work this out for yourself. It’s free. Let me give you the link to download it. It sounds like it could really help you to get clear on what you want, what you’ll stand for and what you won’t stand for.

Here is the link: http://consciouscock.com/agreements/

Make some agreements

Most people get into relationships without making any agreements. Then when trouble happens, they don’t have any handles to hold on to. If you have agreements, then you can easily measure whether or not each of you is living up to your end of the agreement.

It makes it much easier for you to relax your mind and focus on your work!

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Kris Stone

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My Girlfriend is Hiding Our Relationship From Her Ex.

J, a Navy officer, asks:

So here’s the situation. I’ve been with this girl for a little over a year and a half. We’ve broken up a few times, but for the most part, it seems like we’re together for the long run.

So before her and I met, she hooked up with a guy named X. They stopped talking because he got into a relationship, which happened before her and I got serious.

About a month ago, he messages her this long essay on why he stopped talking to her and that he never wanted to hurt her yadda yadda yadda.

And they kept talking. So I asked her to not talk to him because it makes me uncomfortable. She continued. Today is the third time I told her to not talk to him. Immediately she turns it on me digging up old stuff. I figure out that it was more than just a one night stand and they had feelings for each other. And she’s going all “its my life, you can’t tell me who i can and can’t talk to.” Which I agree with, but I told her it hurts me that she would lie about him, not tell him we’ve been together for the last year and a half, and continue talking to him after I’ve asked her twice.

So I give her an ultimatum to either not talk to him, or we break up for good. So we’re in a big fight rn.

Did i overreact? Am I in the wrong here and I should just let this go? What should I do?

 

Ultimatums aren’t helpful

OK, thanks for sharing all that with me. I think I get the picture. Your ultimatum was probably not the best thing to do, but I understand what you were trying to achieve by it. I would recommend taking back the ultimatum and diving into a slightly different conversation with her about it. It’s FINE for you to have a boundary about your partner in regards to other people and past lovers. That’s totally fine. It’s also fine for her to talk to whoever she wants to talk to. Putting a restriction on her like a rule is indicative of ownership, and you don’t own her.

 

An empowering alternative

That said, a slightly different take is both empowering to you and honoring her sovereignty/freedom For example, you can set a boundary that is like an ultimatum, but slightly different.  For example you take an approach like this instead:

It makes me feel really bad if you talk to your past lover and don’t tell him honestly about our relationship status, and it makes me feel like I can’t trust you. So for me, I realized that I have a boundary. If we are going to be in relationship like we’ve been and you are going to continue to talk to your ex lover, I need you to tell him about our relationship and be honest with him about where we stand and who we are to each other. I don’t want to be possessive here to tell you who you can talk to. I’m sorry I did that. I shouldn’t have. I don’t own you, and I want you to be free to talk to whoever you want to ttalk to, including past lovers, but if you want to be with me, I need you to respect that I need your past lovers to know honestly about who you and I are to each other and that we’re in a relationship together. If you hide it or lie about it that makes me feel like you are ashamed of us and don’t want to be together, and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that.

 

It’s about being transparent and honest

It’s about being transparent about what is coming up for you and telling her where your line is, but without making it an ultimatum. i.e. you’ll be fine if she doesn’t want to meet your requriement about being honest about your relationship with her, but you’d like to stay together and have her respect you by telling him about you and her.

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Kris Stone

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