My Girlfriend is Hiding Our Relationship From Her Ex.

J, a Navy officer, asks:

So here’s the situation. I’ve been with this girl for a little over a year and a half. We’ve broken up a few times, but for the most part, it seems like we’re together for the long run.

So before her and I met, she hooked up with a guy named X. They stopped talking because he got into a relationship, which happened before her and I got serious.

About a month ago, he messages her this long essay on why he stopped talking to her and that he never wanted to hurt her yadda yadda yadda.

And they kept talking. So I asked her to not talk to him because it makes me uncomfortable. She continued. Today is the third time I told her to not talk to him. Immediately she turns it on me digging up old stuff. I figure out that it was more than just a one night stand and they had feelings for each other. And she’s going all “its my life, you can’t tell me who i can and can’t talk to.” Which I agree with, but I told her it hurts me that she would lie about him, not tell him we’ve been together for the last year and a half, and continue talking to him after I’ve asked her twice.

So I give her an ultimatum to either not talk to him, or we break up for good. So we’re in a big fight rn.

Did i overreact? Am I in the wrong here and I should just let this go? What should I do?

 

Ultimatums aren’t helpful

OK, thanks for sharing all that with me. I think I get the picture. Your ultimatum was probably not the best thing to do, but I understand what you were trying to achieve by it. I would recommend taking back the ultimatum and diving into a slightly different conversation with her about it. It’s FINE for you to have a boundary about your partner in regards to other people and past lovers. That’s totally fine. It’s also fine for her to talk to whoever she wants to talk to. Putting a restriction on her like a rule is indicative of ownership, and you don’t own her.

 

An empowering alternative

That said, a slightly different take is both empowering to you and honoring her sovereignty/freedom For example, you can set a boundary that is like an ultimatum, but slightly different.  For example you take an approach like this instead:

It makes me feel really bad if you talk to your past lover and don’t tell him honestly about our relationship status, and it makes me feel like I can’t trust you. So for me, I realized that I have a boundary. If we are going to be in relationship like we’ve been and you are going to continue to talk to your ex lover, I need you to tell him about our relationship and be honest with him about where we stand and who we are to each other. I don’t want to be possessive here to tell you who you can talk to. I’m sorry I did that. I shouldn’t have. I don’t own you, and I want you to be free to talk to whoever you want to ttalk to, including past lovers, but if you want to be with me, I need you to respect that I need your past lovers to know honestly about who you and I are to each other and that we’re in a relationship together. If you hide it or lie about it that makes me feel like you are ashamed of us and don’t want to be together, and I don’t want to be in a relationship like that.

 

It’s about being transparent and honest

It’s about being transparent about what is coming up for you and telling her where your line is, but without making it an ultimatum. i.e. you’ll be fine if she doesn’t want to meet your requriement about being honest about your relationship with her, but you’d like to stay together and have her respect you by telling him about you and her.

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Kris Stone

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How to deal with underwhelming erection quality?

“S”, a man from England, asks:

I have entered a fairly new relationship and I’m having great sex, we where both quite frigid and my girlfriend told me she never came before having sex with me. The issue is, I don’t have a problem getting it up, but I have a problem keeping it up! Half a year ago I stopped masterbating  and watching Porn, and I would of thought this would of really helped me out in the bedroom. But for some reason, I find myself at half mast.

Just wondering if you had any ideas to help me out?

 

So many guys ask about not getting hard enough. It’s a big deal for a lot of guys. I’ve also experienced it myself and healed it (my sex life had become mundane and I couldn’t super hard). There are a few main categories that half mast problems can fall into.  Note: I do NOT advocate medication. I only advocate life changes that can create results.

Not turned on enough

The single most common reason that I’ve seen is because the guy’s mind isn’t turned on enough. LOTS of things contribute to that. For example, not being in love with the woman, a feeling that you are doing something wrong (like a guy who is cheating on his wife), being exhausted, playing a role that you “should” play rather than doing what you really want to do in life, not being turned on enough by your partner or the sex or her energy isn’t hot enough to get you super hard. These are addressed by identifying what specific things DO get you super hard and what things don’t, and then making and implementing a plan to change your sex-life to bring in more of the things that get you super hard and have less of the stuff that doesn’t. That can be as simple as watching porn while you have sex with your partner or exploring a fantasy together, but you need to have the communication tools to help you bring them up in a way that doesn’t trigger your partner. (This is the category I fell into personally, and I healed it by changing my sex life with my wife so we did things that made me super hard and really got me off).

Use it or lose it

Another main category is losing erection quality because of physical anatomical degradation. i.e. use it or lose it. Guys who don’t have regular erections and regular ejaculations lose penis size and erection quality. If the pc muscle loses it’s strength then the erection and ejaculations get weaker. This can be addressed by simple penis exercises to strengthen the muscles and restore elasticity to the tissues. Within a month you see real serious results by doing 5-20 minutes of exercises 3 times per week. The flip side is that you can hurt yourself if you do the exercises wrong or too vigorously, so having a coach is really a good idea! You don’t want to hurt yourself down there!

Internalized sexual shame

The last big catergory that I have seen has to do with internalized sexual shame. What I mean is that sometimes sexual shame gets stored inside our body and results in physical malfunction. For example feeling that my penis is too small and is not powerful enough to be satisfying for my partner can literally result in muscles in the pelvis locking up, atrophying, becoming painful, and ceasing to function. Some guys end up with killer pain in their groin or pelvis that doctors can’t release. For these a combination of physical therapy or a specific stretching regiment with emotional clearing work can release the internalized shame from the body tissues and restore normal healthy functioning.

Make a positive change

So, those things said, there are definitely other things that also can contribute, but these are the biggest reasons I have seen. The great thing is that these can be dealt with and healed with simple methods just by changing what you do in your life. So many guys live in mediocre sex lives and never look for a way to make it better, so good for you for taking a step to improve your sex life!!! If any of this resonates with you and you have any more questions or would like any help, just let me know. I’m happy to help. Thanks again for asking!!! I wish more guys would be as brave as you!

 

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How to handle a relationship with someone that is bisexual?

“G”, a man from Massachusetts, asks:

How do you think it’s best to handle a relationship with someone that is bisexual?

 

I recommend complete transparency and honesty!

Especially about sexual desires, and especially at the very beginning of the relationship. Say what you want to have/do and what you dont want to have/do and say it without guild or shame or expectation, and let the chips fall where they may. Sit through any emotional reaction that comes up and just ask to have a conversation (mental/rational) about it.

Share your complete sexual history

And I’d share each others complete sexual history (but not in gorey detail unless you both get off on that) so you both know exactly what you are getting into.  It builds trust that you can count on the other person even with the hard to talk about conversations...

Bringing up the hard stuff

If you need to know how to bring something difficult up, you can watch my video on saying the unsaid:


 

If you’d like any more help, I’d be happy to speak with you and better-focus my advice for your specific situation. If you have questions or want to inquire about coaching, please get in touch.

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Kris Stone

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Can Women Have Instant Orgasms?

“W”, a man from Illinois, aks:

Is it possible to make a woman have instant multiple orgasms to the point of orgasmic eruptions? If so how and are there different ways of doing so?

 

Yes it’s possible, but not in most situations!

Usually for a woman to be able to have instant orgasms she needs to have her mind turned on first.  If her brain is aroused, then she might be able to reach instant orgasm with a hot fast quickie done right. But if her brain isn’t turned on, then it’s going to take time to warm her up.

Plan ahead

So if you plan ahead a bit, then you can foster situations where you get her brain turned on in advance, and then when you have a chance to have sex you have a better chance of getting her to have instant orgasms and ejaculations.

Dont’ use your cock

If those are your specific goals, then I recommend not using your cock. You will be more able to precisely control the stimulation with your fingers and hands and tongue.  I know from wonderful personal experience that by inuendo and dirty talk and sending sexts and naughty pictures to my partner, I can get her mind turned on and get her hot for me. Then when we have a chance for a quickie, if I give her a hand job and go down on her at the same time, I can much more easily get her to come instantly and have ejaculations.

You need to understand how to get her mind turned on, and then you need to understand her anatomy: the g-spot and clitoris most of all–and then be able to let go of the need for yourself to have an orgasm and just give them to her.  You can have some later after she’s come a half a dozen times on your mouth and hands. I recommend using your fingers inside her to massage her g-spot whie your tongue massages her clit, and then when she gets super hot switching to the ejaculation stroke with your hand to push her over the edge.  Can probably make her come in less than two minutes this way.

Female Ejaculation Stroke

If you don’t know the female ejaculation stroke, you can watch a sexually explicit instructional video on tube8 here.

For further help

Any of these things could be a challenge to bring up, so again if you’d like to talk I’d be happy to speak with you and better-focus my advice for your specific situation. If you have questions or want to inquire about coaching, please get in touch.

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Kris Stone

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