J, a man from California writes:

I was with my first love for almost 2 years, and I caught her being shady on her phone and we split up.  A couple weeks later she lied to me and we got back together, but I knew something felt off so a few weeks later I found the proof in her phone, she had been messaging a guy from her childhood who lives halfway across the state.  She sent him naked pics, and they both sent masturbation videos to each other and she would say things like “you’re my soul” or “Apple of my eye”, and they talked on and off for at least half the relationship that I have proof of.  So I once again dumped her.  All I know is I know I deserve better but I just can’t get over her for some reason.. sorry for the long rant.. but I would like to know you’re opinion and or advice.

Two big issues

Hi again, OK, thanks again for sharing all that. Based on what you said, it appears to me that there are two big issues that you are dealing with, in terms of her behavior: 1) betrayal – in terms of your trust being betrayed when she hid things from y ou and lied to you, and 2) cheating – her giving her attention, time & energy to this other person.

In order to deal with things, it’s useful to make a distinction between those things, because they have different effects on you. Trying to dealwith them as if they are one single thing is more challenging and will likely be less successful.

How to get over her

So, you asked, how do you get over her also. First off, if you haven’t already, let yourself accept that she hurt you and let yourself grieve that. Humans need to have a period of time to grieve the loss of something that they love, and men are no exception. You loved her, and you left her because she was unhealthy for you, and you will need to accept that that hurts and let yourself feel that hurt and grieve it. It takes letting yourself feel all the suckiness and shitstorm of crap that comes up in your mind & heart & body as you feel the grief. Holding it at arms length just let’s it build up strength.

When you are finished grieving, you’ll know it. The day will just suddenly be clear and she’ll no longer have power over your mind or heart. You’ll be over her.

Finding the balance

There is a balance however, and that is not letting yourself get sucked into a black hole of despair. Let yourself feel the grief, but don’t let it dominate you. Balance. When she starts dominating your mind or heart, focus your attention on building yourself into a better person. Do the things that you love doing without her…things that didnt involve her. Build platonic relationships with other people and do new things that you’ve always wanted to do. Basically, go forward with your life. When you do something awesome that you like to do, it tricks your mind and heart, conning them into the joy of the present, and starving the toxic gravity of your old sweetheart.

It’s a skill you build

It’s a skill…the more you do it, the easier it gets, like playing guitar. It may be rough going at first, but as you choose yourself more often, and choose doing things that you like, you will come to like and value yourself more and care less and less about her. Eventually you’ll wake up one day and just be over her, and she won’t have any power over you any more.

Best of luck with everything, and thanks for asking for help! Most guys are too stuck up to do it, and they end up repeating toxic patterns over and over again and never getting anywhere!