Consent is not just saying and honoring a “yes” or “no”. It’s also about claiming your power to stand up for yourself and letting people know who you really are rather than playing some role that you are “supposed to” play. It’s also about valuing knowing who your partner really is inside and loving the real them rather than some idealized image of who you want them to be.
Many people have been sexually abused, experienced sexual trauma and sexual shame. If you want to be a conscious lover you need to master the art of wielding the power of consent.
It’s A Double-Edged Sword
It’s a double edged sword. You both have to learn how to stand up for yourself and be your own best advocate and at the same time you need to learn how to foster and accept your partner’s giving and withholding of their consent to you!
The basis of all of it is believing that you have the option to state what you want and don’t want. If you are in an abusive relationship (or any relationship where your partner doesn’t accept your “yes” and “no”), then you need to get help!
Anything Other Than “Hell Yes” Is Actually “No”
When asking someone else if they want to do something (whether it’s having sex with you or having coffee with you), the proper thing to do is to take any hesitancy or indecision as a “no”.
In other words, if they hem & haw or give you a “maybe” or anything other than a “hell yes!” then CONSIDER IT A “NO”!
It’s best for you. It’s best for them, and it shows them that you respect them and that they CAN TRUST YOU.
Trust Is The Best Lubricant
Trust is the foundation of all awesome things in relationships. With it all your kinky fantasies and dreams are within the realm of possibility. Without it, your relationship and your happiness is doomed.
Don’t Live A Lie
Don’t live a lie. Don’t play a “role” that isn’t really you. Stand up for yourself. State your opinions and likes and limits clearly, and require the same from your partner. It’ll make you a better person and show your partner that you have integrity and can be trusted with deep personal intimacy!
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All the best,